Unwell

"Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why"
- Unwell by Matchbox Twenty

That one lyric, completely sums up how I have been feeling. Feeling maybe for about a year now.

Oh poor me.

Seriously, I just need to STFU.

The screaming in my head is all I can hear.

Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Shoot me in the face. I can't even sit in my living room without almost having a panic attack. It's so disgusting. I'm tired of dealing with it having to say the same bullshit over and over again.

Stressed spelled backwards is Desserts!

I have so much on my mind. I'm so tired of having to be the strong one. My face hurts from all the fake smiles.

 So, my niece is living with us right now. This is my living situation: Jamie and I live with my father, my niece moved in with us last summer. She's fifteen, so I'm having to deal with the whole rebelling crap. I don't know how to be an enforcer. I'm constantly getting back talked, I think she has "daddy" issues because anytime Jamie says something to her, she is just a complete jerk to him. We have a chore list for her to do but she gets paid for it. She is starting to act like we owe her things, when we are paying for everything.

Jamie and I need to get out on our own. We have been married for five years now and I don't feel like we're married. We don't have any privacy, I can't keep the house clean for anything. Jamie and I feel like we are hoarders because everything we own, is in one room. Everything we own collectively, besides a couple of statues in Megan's room. I feel like I'm suffocating. I know Jamie and I are definitely trying to save up for a down payment on a house or an apartment, just something.

Work is work. No matter where you go, or what you do you are going to have drama, stress, and stupid people. Unfortunately I have to deal with all three. I'm a cake decorator now, which I really enjoy most of the time. It can be very therapeutic at times. Most of the time if there is a cake in the case with glitter, a rainbow, or covered in blue, its by me!

So naturally working in the type of environment I work in, temptations is an understatement. I've gained at least 20 LBS since I started there last February. I'm the biggest I have ever been, I'm uncomfortable, I feel tight in anything I wear, I just want to be unnoticed as much as possible.

I need to get that motivation. I know what needs to be done. I have the means to do it, I'm paying $30 a month for a gym membership I have used maybe a total of ten times in the past six months. What does that say about myself? I feel like such a failure.

I haven't gone back to school. I'm so lost as to what I even wanted to accomplish. I'm still thinking Medical Office Systems Technology. I was maybe three credits away from finishing and I didn't. I just didn't. Now, since I've been out of the program for so long, I don't remember half the crap I had taken. Now with us trying to save money, I for sure cannot afford school.

Road block. Road block. Road block.

Faith is another issue I am having a hard time with. I was talking to one of my dearest friends and she told me that the only thing that can tell you what's right, is your heart. I know what I feel, but I'm afraid if I say what that is out loud, all I'm going to hear is contradictions, and negatives. Why can't a person believe in one thing but the one thing is completely different to millions of other people.

I don't get it.

There are only a few things that I am sure of, and that is the love I have for Jamie, the sun will rise tomorrow, and I have Ben and Jerry's in the freezer.